- Double Bind
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- Screenplay
- Notes
- Principle Characters
- Supporting Characters
- Extended Characters
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Double Bind
Not so perfect pairs.
College twins Ira and Iris spend their Spring Break in their hometown. By chance Ira meets Iris' friend Mona and swoons for a date. Iris uses this as the perfect revenge for mounting grudges against her brother.
Tags: feature spec comedy college
Date: 2008-11-08 15:11:14.793615-08
Rights: All Rights Reserved.
Rights: All Rights Reserved.
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It's difficult for me to get a laugh and sometimes it's trying too hard. The two I set up here are the interview and the diner scenes. The next two I have lined up are: Iris' spat with a "Mary Sue" character at work, and Ira's date.
The mock ups I have at the moment are really mean spirited and not funny. I do have a specific ending done but I'm not putting up spoilers.
Was there anything you'd like see happen? There's actually room to add questions and answers in the interview and chatting before Flo comes to the table at the Diner.
M
Thanks for the comments. It keeps me going when I think this is just a bad idea. Really really appreciate it from you and everyone.
I guess the big point is the lack of an antagonist. On the forum thread I have for this, I did say the set pieces overpower the plot but they are critical and I'm happy with how they turned out. The antagonist would really depend on how well you understand a double bind.
In movies like the Perfect Storm or Jurassic Park, the antagonist isn't human. It's nature or a beast. Here, it's not human, nature, or beast. If you do any research into a double bind, you'll know how the story ends. I'm reluctant to say more.
That said, Iris does seem to have pent up rage from work that'll drive things forward. It's only human and not villian material, very important to me.
M
Seriously tho... ahhhhhhhhh... I think I see where you are going with this... I won't say anymore, on the off chance that I may have guessed right. I'll PM you with my suspicions if anything. Good luck on the script.
In the next 20 pages, 2 more (minor) characters are added. Then the date (starts at 40+), be great if I could see if that guess changes at all.
3rd set of scenes is half done. Anything with Iris in it wrenches my gut.
M
The TV clock joke. Classic. The order at Mel's. Classic. The date prank. Extremely classic.
You are a writer to be reckoned with.
The TV clock joke. Classic. The order at Mel's. Classic. The date prank. Extremely classic.
You are a writer to be reckoned with.
I've also made comments to your post on the forums.
M
great job!
m
Thanks for the read. I've been getting that feedback where there is little people want to see added, it's very slim.
As for style, it's up to the writer. Capitalizing props helps identify them or you could use hotlinks as others have done. When I read actions I tend to skip them if they are generic one-line stage directions. But SFX and props are important. For actions that are essential, I try to chain those them.
If you're new to screenwriting, the format is a small part that you'll eventually pick up (I think you're fine). Try this link:
http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=TheDialogue&p=r
Two especially good ones are by Billy Ray (who does dramas like Breach) and John Hamburg (who does comedies like Zoolander).
I'm actually close to finishing this script *fingers crossed*.
M
At 100 pages so it's getting there.
Thanks for the read, it's late for me now but I'll definitely check out your stuff.
M
im only new to this so i dont know if i can offer any criticism
really funny though... the BLT part at the diner is really good
ive just put up the start of my first attempt at a script
if you've got time could you comment?
cheers
mitchell
Your style is very polished and easy to follow. Your characters are quite unique and extremely likeable. I especially enjoyed their comedic performances, like the job interview, BLT, and call center scenes. These scenes seem to be a huge hit with your readers, and for good reason! The only question I have is why Ira would still be sympathetic towards Theo after the whole debacle, even with the time that the two spent together and the explanation about the Goobers. But that's just my opinion.
Two teeny, minor grammar things stand out: first, "strait" vs. "straight." Ira wants to be "straight" with Theo, and Luke tries to keep a "straight" face. Secondly, when characters say phrases like "should of," I believe it should be spelled "should've," as the phrases is a colloquial contraction for "should have."
To sum up, great work! I really admire the incredibly picturesque manner in which you write, and I'm definitely taking a note from you on that for future scripts. Good luck with your edits and future projects!
I honestly missed those sp. errors when I was editing so great catch. I'll remember those from now on.
For Ira and Theo, if it isn't clear here then I'll work on the scene again. But in short, Goobers are chocolate covered peanuts typically sold at the movies. Hope that helps build sympathy for Theo at least from Ira.
So far, I'm happy with how some of the jokes worked out and the structure of the scenes. I have gotten feedback on Ira and how some of his dialogues are "off" or too techie. Plus I've learned a bit more on style so I still see room for improvement in my next revision. Don't know when I'll get to it.
But I am fueled and motivated now, thanks Cheryl!
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